My husband and I are at a verge of divorce, but I love him. What should I do to save this marriage?

These days more relationships are going towards divorce. Every relationship survives on a unique bond and connection. Most of the time relationship fails because of a lack of communication and poor communication. Relationships wither when we take things for granted and do not invest in them. We need to invest in our relations like we water plants every day. There would be many stimulus points in every relation, we need to identify them and keep them activated. There would be toxicity in every relation like our body also produces some amount of toxicity every day. we need to channelize them and give them a way out. Our body has an excellent mechanism to throw out waste and toxicity. However, unfortunately in a relationship, we hold on to the toxicity. We never let go of the negativity and relationships suffer.

Holding back attitude could be one of the major reasons for divorce. This holding-back attitude could be one-way or could be two-way also. The problem is that most of the time we are not aware of it, so corrective actions are not taken. Rather we enjoy the pain inside for self-pity or pity from others. We keep on complaining that he or she doesn’t understand me. Have we ever expressed it the right way what we want or need? No, our ego comes in between. We give strong hints, weak hints, short hints, show our anger, etc but we do not express ourselves. 

Lack of proper communication could be one of the strongest reasons for breakup and divorce. For most men love after marriage changes. He becomes more responsible, and more focused on his job and business so that he can provide the best for his family. Plus with seniority in the official position, the workload and responsibility also go up. So husbands are not able to give time earlier even if they wish. But the wife thinks just the opposite - that is not giving me time, possibly he has lost interest in me, possibly he loves someone else, etc. Since the communication levels have already gone down these things never get clarified. If both spouses are working then the communication level goes further down. So it's very important to take breaks from the regular schedule and enjoy time together.

It would not be possible to do counseling without knowing the details. However, one good thing is that you still love your husband. This is a good side that you are still committed to and still value this relationship. The point is that you still love him means he must be having some good points that score over the tussle points and over his negativity. This is what I call net-negative or net-positive in any relation. In your case, it's still a net-positive relation at least from your side. So there is some hope left out, which can be worked upon even though you have drifted away. so long a relationship is net-positive there is hope to stop going towards divorce and save the marriage.

To save a marriage or make a relationship survive so that we do not proceed towards divorce, there have to be mutual efforts from both sides. However, as a consultant, I work from the side of our control first. This means we need to work on things that are in our control since we can not act on things under the control of the other side. But rest assured there are ways and means to address issues of another side as well as sitting on this side of the table. However, we would first focus on things in our control. We will address our actions and reactions first

When I speak about saving a marriage from divorce, the above pictorial representation is very important to understand the nuance of how a relationship works. The above represents our respective domains and codomains in our relationship. The domain is the area that is exclusively in our control or our action area. Codomain is the common area of operation. The problem or clash occurs when we step into the domain of the other side which could lead to clash points. And if we go on having more clash points, things could aggravate and lead to a divorce situation. We need to work on our domain and control/regulate our reaction in the codomain area. Consider your domain as A and your husband’s domain as B, AUB is the common area of interaction. On good days when the relationship is at its best the common area becomes bigger or the largest. However, when relation starts souring, this common area starts shrinking and the domains start distancing from each other as if there is nothing common between the couple like in the picture below.

Possibly your situation could be like in the above picture. There is no common area, rather you have already distanced yourself from each other. If it is not addressed immediately it could lead to the divorce point. Now somebody needs to push the two circles closer or even overlap each other. Your common friends and close relatives and children if any, can do this. You can take the help of a consultant or counselor as well.

If you two are still living in the same house, then you are living in close proximity even though emotionally distanced. And if you are really serious about saving this relationship you could do the following things…

1. Though I hate manipulative people, but at times we all need to be a little bit manipulative. And to save a marriage or to avoid a divorce, we shouldn't mind being a little bit manipulative. Purpose and intentions matter. And in love and war, everything is fair. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t suggest anything wrong to be done. Even being a little overt is also a form of manipulation. I call it applying makeup, it enhances your beauty. Just being good or just loving is not enough, at times you need to project it. We need to display our love, affection, and concern. We need to show our appreciation. Holding hands, sitting together, and going on small-small dates are very important. Even going to the vegetable market could be considered as a small date - have a cup of coffee or ice cream together.
2. Seek the help of family and friends, particularly people who are dear to him. Build up and improve your relations with those people
3. Seek the help of a professional consultant or counselor.
4. If do not want divorce then you have to digest your ego. Women are generally far stronger in handling emotions. Men though act tough, but most are vulnerable inside. The problem is that men are poor at expressing their emotions. They hide their emotions with arrogance, while actually, they may be breaking from the inside. Women are the powerhouse of strength, relationships survive because of them. So understand the reason behind your husband’s actions and words.
5. Men also seek love, affection, attention, and appreciation. Recount what brought you closer and what is pushing you apart. If possible avoid those clash points and arguments. If you are on talking terms then find some genuine reason to appreciate or compliment him. Small-small things matter - like cooking or ordering his favourite dishes, wearing the dress he has been gifted on some special occasion. This acts as an indication that you are still the old self, care for him. These works like saying “I love you”
6. Act very normally, and behave very cordially in the presence of a third person, common friend, inlaws, or parents. He would also be forced to behave normally. This will help take off some heat at least you would be on talking terms.
7. Don’t push for divorce from your side, or sign the document in the hit of the moment. If he is pressing for divorce don’t give in. Bargaining time is very important. You can always tell that things are not so easy for a woman. Remember one-sided divorce is very difficult in India, especially if it is moved by the husband. If divorce has to happen, it should happen on your terms and conditions. This is what I call being manipulative. If there is no hope left for saving the marriage then there is no point in having sympathy for him and setting him free from the hook so easily for somebody else. Of course in the process, you will also not be free.

At one point in time, I used to frequent family court regularly though not for the wrong reason. I had the privilege to observe the proceedings sitting in the court. The judges are always inclined towards the wife unless the wife is really notorious. Trust me by shedding little tears, telling the judge that you still love him so much and you don’t want the marriage to be dissolved, you can practically screw up the divorce case filed by your husband. One judge, I have seen, would simply not allow any lawyer to speak. She would allow only the couple to speak. And there are other ways to stall divorce as well, which I wouldn’t discuss here.

I know a number of cases where the wives filed for divorce but later they retracted from their stand saying that they had realized their mistake and didn’t want the divorce anymore and the cases kept on lingering for years without any decision. In India, most divorces happen through settlements that arrive outside the court.

These days, we find most young ladies are not ready for a serious relationship. They take time and want to explore men and test before concluding. Is this normal?

 The other day I bumped into a discussion on the subject and wanted to write on this topic, but I wasn't finding a suitable question so I had to put up a question myself.

I feel the assertion is a generic statement - “Most young ladies not ready for a serious relationship….” doesn’t hold good. It could be an assumption of some people. However such assertion is not supported by sufficient data. However, it is possible that there are people who would have seen or experienced similar incidents in their vicinity which influenced them to form such an opinion.

In today's generation, more & more girls are pursuing studies, and career options in almost all fields, even in the fields which were hitherto considered men’s domain. So there is much more free mixing between male & female, boys & girls compared to say 30–40 years back. Naturally, when there is an opportunity to mix up freely there would be chances to build up working relations, friendships as well as intimacy. Now when I say intimacy it could be temporary also. Girls are nowadays educated, independent, and strong-willed to decide what they like and dislike. They wouldn’t hesitate to discontinue a relationship ( at least before marriage ) the moment they feel that something is not working. This is true for the boys even. Nobody broods over for long.

If someone is attractive in whichever sense, be it a boy or a girl, it's possible there will be more than one suitor. And who wouldn’t love to be in such a position? So if you have choices available, you might want to check out what option suits you better. It's a different matter that certain people are very steady about their relationship. They take a lot of time to make their choice, but once they are sure about their choice they will stick to it. Now it totally depends on what type of person I am and with whom I am mixing, accordingly my experience would be.

I think no girl would be against having a serious relationship if she is ready for it mentally and most importantly if the person is right and who is also equally serious. If the girl is not prepared or not in a position to start a serious relationship, she won’t do it even if you are the best person. And even if a girl is ready for a serious relationship, she may adopt a watch-out strategy to test/taste water. She would like to be sure from all possible angles before committing to a serious relationship. Till such time one could be put on probation to be confirmed only after the successful completion of the probation period. Please appreciate for girls it's not so easy.

As regards exploiting a man before concluding, I would avoid calling it exploiting. Although again it depends on what kind of people one is mixing. But as I said the girls would like to be doubly sure before saying yes. So she might like to check how much you care, your financial stability, how committed are you, how are you as a person, etc. When a girl makes you spend or lets you spend for her, not necessarily she is trying to exploit you. Most girls like to be pampered and typically the boys try to impress by spending on gifts and treats. however, It doesn’t require spending money to impress someone. And don’t be under the impression that just because someone has heaps of money all the girls would get impressed. It all depends on your approach, your sincerity, your commitment, your personality, etc. Money may be important, but it's not the deciding factor alone. It may so happen that the girl is only paying all the restaurant bills when she is committed to you.

Let me give a small perspective. For the selection of a candidate, we may interview a number of candidates, conduct several rounds of interviews, and finally select someone. And even after that, the candidate has to undergo a trainee period, and a probation period before confirmation. While confirmation doesn’t mean that he can not be terminated. The better the job, the higher the competition. People do prepare for years to crack their dream course or career. But people who are focused and serious about making it, they make it. It all depends on your tenacity, and how persistent you are.